THE LENS OF UNDERSTANDING

THE LENS OF UNDERSTANDING

by Dr. Rick Brinkman

(The Lens of Understanding concept is from the book, Dealing With People You Can't Stand, Brinkman and Kirschner, McGraw-Hill)
Everyone is someone's difficult person now and again, even us on occasion, (of course not as often as those other people). But whenever you interact with someone you always have a choice: You can do nothing and suffer, you can leave or get them to leave, you can change your attitude around them, or you can change your behavior around them.

We are always in a behavioral balance with people and if we shift that balance it forces them to shift. So when you interacting with someone the first thing you must ask yourself is: What do I want with this person?

You must set a direction. Beware of setting a negative direction, for example: "I don't want to get angry. I don't want them to misunderstand." Negative directions are like driving a car in reverse while you look out the windshield at what you don't want to hit.
Once you know your direction the next step is to pay attention. Are you getting what you want? What is working and what is not working? Assume the other person is like a musical instrument and you are playing them with your behavior.

The third step is simply to be flexible, meaning do something different. If you have no idea what to do, then anything you haven't done is a good idea. After all, if what you are doing isn't working, then you have a guarantee, it's not working. If you understand why people act the way they do, then it is easier to know how to be flexible with that person.

Let's examine behavior through the Lens of Understanding. At any one moment people have four intents operating within them: the intent to Get Things Done, to Get Things Right, to Get Along with People, and to Get Appreciated by People. If a person is in a Get it Done mode they will be focused on the task at hand and be more assertive. If things are not getting done and they perceive others as wasting time then they have a tendency to get more controlling, i.e., "if I take over then it will happen". Sometimes the fact that they take over and move things forward is an advantage but it really depends on how it is done. People can also go into what I call "the red zone" and once there, their behavior is more destructive. If someone thinks a situation is out of control, they can easily become a Tank. A Tank declares martial law and runs right over you. Life is really simple to them. You are part of the solution or you are eliminated. They may rip you apart personally but the irony is, "it's nothing personal". You just happen to be in the way of an end result and so are eliminated.

Control has other expressions. When people have suppressed resentment, Sniping is often the result. It is a bit subtler than the Tank in that their attack is hidden in put down humor and sarcasm or simply may be behind your back. A third controlling behavior is Know-it-All. They control through knowledge and they really know a lot but they are closed-minded to everyone else's possible contribution.

If we shift gears to the intent to Get it Right, we find people still focused on the task but less assertive because they have to slow things down to make sure all the details are covered. If the people around them are not paying attention to accuracy, then they can become more perfectionist. They can even get to a point where no one can meet their high standard and then begin to feel helpless or hopeless. When people feel helpless, Whining is the result. When people feel hopeless, Negativity results. But what they both have in common is they speak in generalizations that "everything is wrong, nothing is right, and it's always that way." It is these generalized problems that drive everyone around them crazy, because the first step to problem solving is specifics. You can't solve a generalization. Other people in the face of a high standard just get frustrated and give up. They say, "Fine, do it your way. Don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out. " From that point they become the Nothing person.

You also see Nothing behavior from a different motivation. Out of the intent to Get Along with people, if it isn't happening, people start behaving in ways to get approval. So Nothing is a common result, since if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all. Agreeable Yes behavior also stems from this motivation. Out of the desire to please and get approval, people don't consider their own needs but just say yes to whatever anyone else wants. Maybe behavior can also originate from this zone. When faced with a decision that could hurt someone's feelings they just put it off until it is too late.

Shifting mental gears we move to the intent to Get Appreciated by people. Here the focus is on people and behavior tends to be more assertive because what goes hand in hand with appreciation is a desire to contribute to others. If they are not getting the appreciation they feel they deserve, behavior gets more attention getting and before you know it you may be dealing with a Grenade. The Grenade is the temper tantrum. It is different than a Tank attack in that the Tank is focused on a person and you know what the issue is. When a Grenade blows up they do so in 360 degrees, indiscriminately and everyone goes. You are more likely to hear things like, "It's the government's fault! That's the problem with the world today." and other statements that make no sense given the present circumstances. A Tank is demanding action. A Grenade is demanding attention. What we also see out of a need for attention is another kind of sniper; friendly fire. These are people who like you and use put down humor as a way of showing their affection. Another behavior with an extreme need for attention is Think-they-know-it-all behavior. Here you have someone acting like they know what they are talking about but they don't.

Tank, Sniper, Know-it-all, Think-They-Know-it-All, Grenade, Yes person, Maybe person, Nothing person, No person, and Whiner are the top ten-problem behaviors people face. But the good news is communication is like a phone number and there is a "right number" behaviorally that you can dial that can pull people out of their stress response and back into the normal zone of behavior.

The Lens of Understanding is from concepts in the best-selling the book, Dealing With People You Can't Stand by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner. Dr. Rick Brinkman is motivational keynote speaker best known for his Conscious Communication ® expertise which has reached millions of people around the world. Get Rick's Free Conscious Communication® Newsletter at http://www.rickbrinkman.com